Thank You, Claudia

Every now and then, if you are within earshot of me, and I sincerely hope that you are not, you will hear me utter aloud the prayerful words "Thank you, Claudia".

I'm talking about the dark underbelly of Asian travel. Toilets.

After over 2 and a half years of living and traveling here, I'm still pretty dazed and confused over the whole subject. Now as a disclaimer, every single travel blogger out there sooner or later writes about this. I never claimed to be original.

Some things are relatively simple. The fact that very often there is no toilet paper is a no brainer. It only takes one lesson to learn that you must always have Kleenex in your purse. Always. Years and years ago when Howard was working at a Jamaican government office in Kingston the managers were each solemnly issued, and no doubt signed for, their own rolls of toilet paper to keep in their desks as there was never any in the bathrooms. (I think it was a theft issue). When I heard about this I had quite a hilarious image in my mind of people wandering up and down the office halls possessively clutching their rolls to their chests.

What is really puzzling to me is why, in the Philippines, you very often find that the toilets in the women's washrooms have no seats. And not in scruffy places either. Could be office buildings, "upscale" malls, airport. (Well the airport is a scruffy place, but that's another story). It's a poser.

The whole bucket of water thing was also initially mystifying. The first time I came upon it I was in a local restaurant somewhere in Manila. There, in the ladies' room, or Comfort Room (CR) as they call it here,  was a toilet with no flusher handle. Instead there was a basin full of water with a bucket. After gazing at it for some time, perhaps scratching my head, I stuck said head out of the door to ask my girlfriends who were standing there waiting, "What the hell am I supposed to do with this bucket of water?" The two, being the old Asia hands that they were, burst out laughing, but eventually took pity on me and explained the mechanics of flushing toilets. (For those as clueless as I was, the right answer is you pour water into the toilet bowl and magically it seems to flush it through).

However, under no circumstances are you to put toilet paper or purse Kleenex into the toilet bowl wherever you may suspect that the water pressure is not up to snuff. Sometimes a sign warns you about this, often not. That's what that wastepaper bin is for.

Equally puzzling is the water hose that is to be found beside the toilets. Conceptually I get it, it's for washing off the who-who (technical term). But exactly how do you manoeuver that without getting wet clothes and what if there is no toilet paper to dry off with? I'm bewildered. Apparently there is a high tech version of this out of Japan where the toilet itself will wash and blow dry you. Not only that but it comes equipped with a pre-warmed seat, massage options, auto-lid opening with proximity sensor, germ-resistant seat, air conditioning (?), glow-in-the-dark surface, dual water jets with soap mixture, as well as music to help you relax. I think we need one.

Then there's the whole squat toilet thing. Apparently squat toilets are very common in Asia, indeed the norm in most places. Again, I have no idea how they work. What do you do with your clothes? How do you stay balanced? I don't think I've even squatted at all since kindergarden and certainly never to go to the bathroom. Well maybe once behind a tree in extremis. However, it seems that lots of other people, much smarter than me, have it figured out. As a matter of fact even in the hyper-modern airport in Singapore, in addition to the half a dozen or so "normal" stalls there is one squat toilet stall for those who prefer it.

Having said all this, most of the times the toilets of my travels have been just fine, or at least bearable.

But every now and then you are confronted with this...

Took this shot in the "bathroom" of a temple complex near Hue in Viet Nam. I can't begin to tell you the overwhelming feeling of despair when one's eyes first land on a sight like this. What now?

And that's where Claudia comes in.

Before I came to Asia, my pal Claudia, who was a distributor for the product, gifted me with a box of P-Mates, a device that according to their website, "is a portable device that allows women to pee standing up wherever and whenever they need to, without losing their dignity (emphasis mine) or risking unhygienic and unpleasant public restrooms". Used by hikers and travelers, the product was the best possible present. I keep one folded in my bag at all times and thank goodness it's not that often needed. But when it is, boy it sure is!

Thank you, Claudia.